Tuesday, September 11, 2018
I've decided to just cry from now on. Why fight it.
Happiness eludes most of us. Happiness is state of mind that is often based on how well things are going in our lives, or how we perceive our circumstances. Gratefulness can change one's perceptions, but can it really affect whether or not one feels happy, and if it does how long can it last? This is a question I've asked myself most of my life. After much effort, I've given up on happiness. It's been too elusive for me to find, and to even hold on to. What or who I determined as a source of my happiness slipped out of my grasp, and left me desolated, isolated, and without hope. What I believed, my very belief system was rocked from it's foundation, and is now crumbled into dust. I know what I should believe, I know what I should do, but the devastation has left me numb, and unable to move forward. All I see around me is suffering. I can't turn my gaze elsewhere. I'm transfixed. I can't save myself. My own self effort, or will power cannot pull me out of this pit. I can't heal myself, and I can't stop sensing, and seeing the suffering around me. I've heard repeatedly,
"Don't let your happiness be in the hands of others." "Don't let your circumstances dictate your responses to the circumstances you're in." "We can't control people, or our circumstances, but what you can control is how you perceive things." "If you really wish to be happy every day, you need to stop outsourcing your happiness." "We need to stop attributing our happiness based on our external circumstances." "We especially need to stop blaming others for our unhappiness." "If you continue to look to people and things for your happiness, your happiness will be very unstable, and elusive." "Instead we need to actively cultivate a source of peace, and a source of happiness." Sounds great right, very wise teachings, but I call bullshit. If I'm the source of my problem, because of allowing others perceptions of me, or my circumstances to determine how I feel than self effort will fail. Expecting one to simply see things through a different set of lenses won't work. Meditating on the positive, instead of the negative is denying half of your reality. It's just another distraction technique, and it will fail you. Trying to do these things is like saying Physican heal thyself. Our source of peace and happiness couldn't possibly come from ourselves if we are the problem. Happiness is a state of mind, and circumstances do dictate how we feel. So why are we trying to tell ourselves otherwise, and why are we trying to not feel the way we do? For those of you who have tried to be happy, you know what I'm talking about. The things that we want to do we cannot, we at war within ourselves. No matter the cause, happiness, and true lasting peace, cannot come from human efforts or reasoning. For that matter, why am I even trying to be happy. Why am I fighting the natural feelings I have. Why not simply allow yourself to feel the losses you've suffered. Why numb our reality. What's wrong with crying, why not allow yourself a good cry, and feel melancholy? Aren't our emotions an expression of who we are? Who said that these feelings are bad? We feel what we feel, because we connect with others around us, and are sensitive creatures. Why not cry with those that are suffering around you?! Why not cry with me?! This is the hardest thing I've had to endure, to those who love Sam like I do you understand the depth of the loss. Sam was a beautiful man, too beautiful for this earth. I am comforted only in this, that he is finally at peace.
